Torn

I'm excited to be home but I can't say that it's fully where I want to be. Now that I am home I have noticed it doesn't completely feel like home. I have to admit that part of it is just me not really accepting this place as my home. But part of it is just this place not really accepting me. I love my family and I can't say enough about the good people here but something is different. I knew this was going to happen and I had talked about it before. But now that it's actually happening in front of my eyes it has a prophetic quality right now. My childhood is essentially leaving me, or I'm leaving it. Everything is about business now. My friendships and relationships, for whatever reason, have taken on a form that is more apparently a transaction. Certainly it says something about where I am in my life and what my motivations are but it's weird to watch this transition and be conscious of it. Life is without a doubt a cycling of stages.

I really cannot wait to be in Bellingham again. I never foresaw myself genuinely saying this. But it's surely genuine now. I have a good home life and I can't complain about anything here at home but I feel like I'm interrupting my family's life. They all clearly have their own things going and when I come home from college I just feel like a guest. Because it's all I will really ever be anymore, at least in my head. It's like when college students come home for the summer there is an obliged attempt at a nostalgic three month respite. I am going to enjoy my summer here at a home and I'm going to appreciate every moment with my family but this summer is certainly different.